The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
