I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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