i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
