apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
