Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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