At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
