yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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