Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
