Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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