How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
