I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this just has baby written all over it
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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