i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
