you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
