She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
