Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
