Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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