Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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