dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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