She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
