You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I have fence marks all over my body
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
