alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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