The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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