Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She's the barista slut.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
