bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
