I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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