I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
