He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
