I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
