Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
