I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
