Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
