Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
