what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
