cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
