Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
