Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
