I hope mine doesn't look like that
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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