I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
