Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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