im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize