i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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