I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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