i already hear my dad disowning me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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