if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
