I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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