I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
