chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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