she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
