I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm getting married
To pizza
Randomize
