I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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