I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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