mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize