Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize