Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
