Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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