I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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