my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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