I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
