How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
