He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
