Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have demons in me.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize