Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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