you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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