You really coming over, don't trick.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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