dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
