i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
