If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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